Immortal Keanu
The man that lived a million lives
Keanu Reeves, broken after failing to save the humanity through acting.
The timeline of the man currently known as Keanu Reeves
- ---- - Unknown origin of birth.
- 40,000 BC - Keanu poses for world's oldest portrait. Chauvet Hotel, France.
- 8,200 BC - First lightweight narrow boat - a keanù - built near the Netherlands. Contemporary etymologysts concur the word canoe is a modern bastardization of the root word keanù.
- 8,000 BC - 6,000 BC - Wide-scale transition of human cultures from a lifestyle of hunting and gathering to agriculture and permanent settlement. That time span's name? The Neolithic Period.
- 5,000 BC - A legendary hunter brings mammoth population to brink of extinction. Reports of villagers saying "he moved like they do".
- ---- - At an unknown point Keanu realized he was living inside a simulation. The cause of his immortality was a glitch in the matrix that kept resetting him back to about 20 years old whenever he died.
From then on he dedicated his life to elevating human consciousness high enough for the human kind to be able to cope with the truth some day — that this world isn't real. - 30 - As Jesus of Nazareth, preaches, reforms religion. Gets arrested, is tried, crucified. Feigns death for three days in a cave. Gets bored, leaves.
Realizes this might take longer than expected and fundamental shifts are necessary; goes emperor-mode: - 768-814 - Becomes Karolus Magnus (Charlemagne, Charles the Great). Lays foundations for modern France, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands... Takes the Frankish throne, becomes king of Italy, first Holy Roman Emperor.
After uniting Western Europe, Pater Europae "mysteriously dies" and is hurriedly buried the same day: - 10th-11th century - Takes a break, spends time in England as a reeve — manager of manors and overseer of peasants.
- 1503 - The Battle of Cerignola, Italy - Dodges his first bullet.
- 1530 - Captured
on cameraon canvas by some paparazzi punk Parmigianino, Italy (Check out Parmigianino's dope selfie.) Note the red and blue rings on Keanu's hand. Looks familiar..?
Keanu was clearly still on his mission to free the human kind!
He was reminded of the human suffering every time he looked at his bling. - 1758 - Spotted by another paparazzi, some sir Joshua Reynolds, while walking his dog. Enjoying yourself, Keanu? No, no we're fine, take your time. We'll just chill trapped in a simulation for several more centuries while unspeakable horrors are happening in our true world.
- 1875 - Keanu finally recharged his batteries and was prepared for another go at saving us. Having led his life under countless guises, it was inevitable he would eventually start dabbling in acting.
He first left a mark as Paul Mounet. Gradually he committed to making this his final push: it was through the medium of acting that he would reach the masses, open everyone's eyes to the brutal truth that we were trapped in a simulation, enslaved for millennia by sentient machines.
He would write, produce and act in the world's most important play.
The humanity was almost ready. And so was he. But who in their right mind would go about saving the world under a random name!
He scrapped this Mounet character and began pondering the perfect identity. - 1975 - This was it. After only one century of thought he found the perfect name, the name that meant so much to him. He never could forget the look on everyone's face when he made that first canoe 6,000 years ago.
And that sweet period when he was the most popular reeve around? At times didn't even feel lonely, man.
But nothing could top being the king of everything. Hah, those were the times.
It was ready. The name that would highlight his favorite memories.
Keanu Charles Reeves.
Patiently he began growing his persona through the 1980s. - 1999 - For years Keanu secretly worked on the epic autobiographical script for his movie. Luckily he met the Wachowski siblings before he finished it.
He showed them what he had and confided his life story. Their minds were blown. The Wachowskis agreed to take over the writing part to, uh, help him focus on acting.
In 1999 the biographical historical drama The Matrix was finished and unleashed upon the masses.
But instead of triggering the humanity as a whole, instead of snapping us out of slumber, instead of the human kind waking up, starting a revolution... nothing happened.
It was too late.
The lethargy had already reached the critical point of no return.
We were doomed.
But hey, the film was a box office hit! - Today - The man known as Keanu Reeves continues playing out his acting career. Broken by the fact he failed to save us, he takes out his frustration and anger in violent films like John Wick. Keanu will most likely work on a new angle to save the humanity, probably under some new identity a century or two from now.
Keanu forgives you for your sins.
Keanus Magnus, Father of Europe
From the lands where the sun rises to western shores, people are crying and wailing ... the Franks, the Romans, all Christians, are stung with mourning and great worry ... the young and old, glorious nobles, all lament the loss of their Caesar ... the world laments the death of Charles ... O Christ, you who govern the heavenly host, grant a peaceful place to Charles in your kingdom.
Note the vast span of Keanu's influence: Being referenced as multiple civilization-altering entities — Jesus and Charles — in one sentence. (He may have been the anonymous monk as well...)
Portrait of a Man, 1530
Charles Lennox, 3rd Duke of Richmond, 1758
Paul Mounet, 1875
